Issues

I, Daisy, have come to the conclusion that the adult female human (mum for short) has I.S.S.U.E.S!

I mean, honestly, she gets cranky if I sit on the clock, so I stopped doing that due to the arms waving around awfully close to my precious face. Instead, when the clock made the picture: 4.oo I decided it would be an ideal time to call everyone into the kitchen for a sort of 'Pre-morning, morning drill'. You know, so they get the right food in the right bowls.

But did she appreciate it? Did she heck.

The first two nights she yelled at me, and I'm pretty sure some of the language wasn't the Queen's English.

The third night she finally got the idea I thought, because she got up. She didn't say anything at all, which was a relief from that coarse language she had taken to using and which I understand is rife among Russian Sailors - whatever they may be. But I was surprised when she didn't turn any lights on so that I, Daisy, could show her the drill.

Instead she walked to the dining room table. Then back toward the bedroom. All done in silence. This was getting more disturbing as she appeared to be going back to bed. So I called again in my most polite but authoritative voice. Only to be smacked in the face with a HUUUUGGE jet of water.

Yes.... the evil troll had got the punishment bottle and squirted me..... Daisy.

I was most offended and it took the rest of the night to re-groom myself to my usual pristine standards.

I thought it best to change tack then. So the following two nights I did not call them for the drill. The humans are obviously too stupid to work out the required behaviour, so instead I decided my next best option was to undertake some physical action. The first night I knocked down a can off the bench. The second night I pushed the flour bin off the cupboard shelf (which was a bit of a disaster as flour got all over me and in the food dishes.) Still, it had some effect on the behaviour in the morning which was amusing to watch.

The third night I pushed the punishment bottle off the dining room table.

Again, mum got up and without saying a word walked to me. She didn't have the punishment bottle as I knew it was under the table, so I thought it was rather a blast when she picked me up and started to walk back toward her bed. Then the cow stopped at the bathroom and dropped me in the sink. I am not afraid of the sink. I often sit in it. But this time, it was half full of water! I do think the evil troll tried to drown me. I was soaked - absolutely soaked I tell you. I have never been so offended!

I avoided her for the next couple of days. She was far too smug for my liking.

But then I had a brilliant idea. You may know that Jaz has her favourite spot up in the apricot tree. I decided to sit in 'her' spot, purely to annoy her. That is always fun. Anyway, Jaz came out and saw me and hissed and spat and took off next-door. Great fun. Then the wind came up and the tree started moving around a bit and I, Daisy, do not like moving like that, so I decided to get down. But I, Daisy, am an elegant cat and not one for jumping much. I decided instead of trying to go down, I would go up onto the roof of the house - there was bound to be some easier way down from there.

So I climbed up onto the roof and ran across to the windows and door by the TV. I couldn't see any way down and gosh, it was such a high roof I was really getting scared. Horrors.... I was stuck. So I called and called and called. Finally someone came to see what I needed and, after a lot of inappropriate sniggering, the male adult tried to reach up to grab me.

I was not having that. I scooted up further and put on my most plaintive voice. He, at last, went and got a ladder and climbed up with me. "My hero", I thought, imagining being nestled inside his jacket which he climbed back down the ladder.

The fool just hung me over the side and dropped me into a child's arms. I could have been seriously maimed. For LIFE.

There is just no reasoning with this bunch of clowns.

After that I thought it best to re-ingratiate myself with mum. So instead of making lots of noise, which she apparently doesn't appreciate when the clock makes the 4.00 picture, I merely climbed up onto her bed and took my pillow.

Now, I admit there was a bit of a scuffle, during which I wound up under the blankets against her stomach and not on my pillow, but I feel I was actually victorious. After all, I, Daisy, was in MY bed.

I have been absent for a long time because of a couple of reasons.

Firstly, it is Summer. I love summer - it is warm and there are lot of sunshine hours for me to be sleeping away.

Secondly, mum got a 'promotion at work'. Stupid work. The humans were all very excited, but all I see it meaning is she is out of the house a lot more and this means I sit at the door demanding to be let in, and nobody is there to do it. I, Daisy, have to climb through the window passed the stupid dogs.

I have thought long and hard about the punishment for this and have found 3 that work extremely well.

The first is that I wait for the bed side clock to make this picture: 4:00. Then I jump on mum, leap over the clock and knock the lamp down. She doesn't half snarl.

The second is that I wait for the beside clock to make this picture: 6.44 and then I sit on top of it. For some reason the radio doesn't click on when I sit on it and mum 'sleeps through the alarm'. This also causes her great anguish.

Finally, just to vary it, I sleep in the little room with the loo in it. Then I wake up and pretend I don't know where I am or how I got there. So I scream. Mum comes running (as she should), though this backfired a little 3 weeks ago when she bashed the big, noisy sucky thing she calls the vacuum and 'broke her toe'. Now she limps and complains constantly about how much it hurts and tries to show me the buising. Ewwww - that is not ladylike. Do not waive your strange looking foot in my face. I, Daisy, do not care.

I have much more to talk about so I have insisted that my secretary takes time to keep you up to date with my news. She has promised she will make more time between work and other commitments. As she is the one who puts the food in the bowls on demand, I will have to compromise as I still cannot open the fridge door by myself. I am sure I can come up with some new punishments should she fail me, Daisy.